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| Image credit: Photo by Baloulumix on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons |
I was cleaning up outside earlier today, an activity I'm finding much more soothing than cleaning up inside the house, because it turns out that Nature is less destructive than my family, so I get to enjoy the fruits of my labor a little longer before entropy takes over and sends everything back into visually displeasing chaos. At some point, my pesky back pain kicking in, I sat down, and thought, "Wow, this is wonderful! I'm sitting here and it's so peaceful," which was followed immediately by, "But if I'm going to sit here, I should be writing something or reading something or doing something."
But it struck me that the guilt was misplaced. The stillness was a necessary part of writing and a form of reading and an aid in doing. So, I stayed there for a while and did a little of the work of letting go, just by the slightest amount, of the to do list, which seems to be harder for me than doing the things on it. And then I wrote it down, here, to help myself remember it.
And to remind me, too.
ReplyDeleteI used to fly to my notebook or computer each time I thought something "great." You know I just had to get it down otherwise it would be lost forever. LOL! I've found that few thoughts are truly lost forever that is if they were worth writing down in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI have also found that I can write more fully about an experience if I stay in the moment and not break it off half- enjoyed. I'm glad you shared this one with us, good reminder.
p.s. Nice to see you around these parts, stranger :)
Yo dude, my colon smiley face turned into an actual smiley face, how the heck did that happen????? I'm out of the loop, didn't know that was possible.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you had a few extra relaxing moments.
ReplyDeletexox
Dearest one and I sat outside yesterday for a bit. It was lovely. It refreshes me.
ReplyDeleteI like outside work better than inside work for exactly the reason you stated.
Mowing the lawn is so satisfying.
I, too, have found a life long pattern of feeling like I have to be productive. In many ways this ever-present drive to produce has served me well: for example, I'm quite the self-motivated self-starter when it comes to recovery & service work and as an employee I don't waste company time: I am very productive.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I've had occasion to recognize that underlying this trait is the shame core belief that I don't deserve to just BE. That may be enough for other people, but I am so uniquely bad/ unworthy/ inadequate/ unlovable/ wrong for simply existing that I need to work towards earning justification for my mere presence here. It's like the fact that I suck air on the planet, by definition, puts me in debt and I am compelled to repay that debt by not just sitting and being.
For me, that has been a sobering realization: the depth, solidity, firmly grounded and all encompassing position of my shame core. (Guess that's why they call it "core.")
Like most manifestations of the shame core, it lies to me. It says sitting still, noticing the magnificent world around me, being still, calming down, rejuvenating, and reconnecting with my spiritual core is bad when actually it's good and very important. I'd call this exhibit #35 why in some ways 12 Step culture is healthier than American culture.
The phrase that has encapsulated this idea for me recently has been "Even God took a day off!" I may or may not believe in Christianity, specifically, but the spirit of the idea works well for me right now.
Yes. Nothing to complete. Nothing to earn or to prove. Breathe and surrender.
ReplyDeleteOh, for such moments!
Letting go is a good thing. I threw away the to do lists several years ago and have never looked back.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post, Mary! Sometimes, it's better to step back for a while and enjoy the silence. Clearing and calming your mind makes it so much easier to tackle everyday life.
ReplyDeleteI've had that same thought about indoor vs outdoor work. In the "domestic economy" between Neil and I (enforced by him) yard work was mans work and the indoor stuff was mine, but I did come to realize when I mowed the lawn unlike cleaning the toilet, or picking food out of the plughole...
ReplyDelete(1) It blocked out any discussion with the family
(2) when it was done it stayed done for a week
(3) i got fresh air and exercise whilst doing it, and got to commune with Nature