It's the Lies

Image credit: Photo by Katie Tegtmeyer on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons

"Why do some men and women cheat on their partners while others resist the temptation?" asks author Tara Parker-Pope in a recent New York Times Well blog post on the science of commitment. The post, which has been doing the social networking rounds lately, goes on to discuss recent scientific findings around sex drive, flirting, temptation and relationship satisfaction.  Interesting stuff. Unfortunately, none of it actually has much to do with the issue of cheating.

Oh, sure. It all seems to. The (mis)perception that sexuality is the central issue in infidelity is so common it's rarely questioned. After all, isn't that what cheating is? Sex outside of one's primary relationship? But to cheat, one not only has to be involved in a primary relationship and have sex outside of it, but also hide it.  Open relationship? Not cheating. Multiple anonymous partners? Not cheating. Calling your partner on the phone when you see an attractive person in a bar and saying "honey, I'm going to have sex with someone else" before having sex? Probably not the most tactful way to handle a breakup or start a discussion on monogamy, but still, technically, not cheating. Sex outside a primary relationship is only cheating if it involves deception and lying, either explicit or implicit.

In discussions about infidelity (and boy, marry a sex addict and you'll have a lot of them), people get sidetracked -- a lot -- over issues of sexuality and monogamy, while ignoring the fundamental issue of dishonesty and breach of trust. We may have sex, inside and outside of committed relationships, for a whole host of reasons, but we cheat (that is, lie about having sex outside our relationship rather than openly having multiple partners) for only one: a desire to control our partner(s). And why do we do it?  Often fear, specifically fear of of losing the partner or something important that the partner controls access to, such as money or children.  But sometimes just for the love of the power itself.

In the end, (as Parker-Pope acknowledges may be the case) if we want to know what makes relationships successful, looking at sexual fidelity, loyalty or the ability to resist temptations is not what matters most.  While she touches on the idea of "self-expansion," the focus I've experienced in recovery has been on trust, respect and honesty.  Because in cheating, and healing from it, sex isn't the issue.  It's the lies.