BTW, just last week I found some diaries of mine from 1991-92. I started in reading them....and thought "Holy hell, I was totally co dependant and blind! Too painful!" And promptly put them down. After reading your blog on your old entries and letters, I sat down last night and read the (surprisingly complete) stories of my 25th and 26th year. Wow.
It was all there. Obsessive "love" for men that treated me horribly, again and again and again. My desires to change, my failure to change them. I even wrote about how "strange" it was that I "seemed" to care a lot about what other people thought of me, and spent a lot of time saying/doing things for them that I didn't especially care about.
All this to say...thanks for that blog post. It was with tremendous love that I looked back to young 'Kinsey' and great sadness and compassion I read her journals and letters to her friends. Wow. I still wondered about the same big things I wonder and worry about now, but this gave me tremendous incentive to push forward with recovery.
Guess 12 step's right.....it was there, in me, all along, for whatever reason. Changing my sa/aa is not the solution.
Long comment, but I really wanted to touch base with you. I'm sure it was just a coincidence that I found those journals a week before I read your blog post. (!)
Wow, that sums up what I feel too. Beautifully and perfectly written in so few words. What a great idea, too, to reach back to old diaries. I think there's alot we can learn about ourselves (both the then- us and the now-us) by re-reading them. I'm going to try this too.
Fabulous! Thanks for sharing this. It must be heaven-- and yet, it seems possibly attainable for us recovering ladies. (well okay-- at least moments of heaven!) I love how insightful you were, even in the '80's. Guess all the hairspray didn't hurt your brain cells. ;)
That's nice. I didn't even know what a haiku was in high school, so my diaries are much more pedestrian -- which days I washed my hair, which boy i had an (always unrequired) crush on. Fortunately, I wrote in pencil, so soon my words will fade from the world...
Jan, it didn't actually appear in haiku form in my diary. It was a sentence, but one I liked and wanted to share. When I went to turn it into a haiku, I found it already was!
That must be heaven.
I love this! You were just as insightful as a teenager as you are now.
ReplyDeleteLove this haiku! It says...everything.
ReplyDeleteBTW, just last week I found some diaries of mine from 1991-92. I started in reading them....and thought "Holy hell, I was totally co dependant and blind! Too painful!" And promptly put them down. After reading your blog on your old entries and letters, I sat down last night and read the (surprisingly complete) stories of my 25th and 26th year. Wow.
It was all there. Obsessive "love" for men that treated me horribly, again and again and again. My desires to change, my failure to change them. I even wrote about how "strange" it was that I "seemed" to care a lot about what other people thought of me, and spent a lot of time saying/doing things for them that I didn't especially care about.
All this to say...thanks for that blog post. It was with tremendous love that I looked back to young 'Kinsey' and great sadness and compassion I read her journals and letters to her friends. Wow. I still wondered about the same big things I wonder and worry about now, but this gave me tremendous incentive to push forward with recovery.
Guess 12 step's right.....it was there, in me, all along, for whatever reason. Changing my sa/aa is not the solution.
Long comment, but I really wanted to touch base with you. I'm sure it was just a coincidence that I found those journals a week before I read your blog post. (!)
I love that the simplest things are always the most true.
ReplyDeleteWow, that sums up what I feel too. Beautifully and perfectly written in so few words. What a great idea, too, to reach back to old diaries. I think there's alot we can learn about ourselves (both the then- us and the now-us) by re-reading them. I'm going to try this too.
ReplyDeleteFabulous! Thanks for sharing this. It must be heaven-- and yet, it seems possibly attainable for us recovering ladies. (well okay-- at least moments of heaven!)
ReplyDeleteI love how insightful you were, even in the '80's. Guess all the hairspray didn't hurt your brain cells. ;)
I feel that way now but not as a teenager.
ReplyDeleteThat's nice. I didn't even know what a haiku was in high school, so my diaries are much more pedestrian -- which days I washed my hair, which boy i had an (always unrequired) crush on. Fortunately, I wrote in pencil, so soon my words will fade from the world...
ReplyDeleteJan, it didn't actually appear in haiku form in my diary. It was a sentence, but one I liked and wanted to share. When I went to turn it into a haiku, I found it already was!
ReplyDeleteOh, and the boy I had an unrequited crush on -- volumes. ;)
ReplyDelete