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Thursday, January 21, 2010

Me, Talking to Myself, About Me









Mirror
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melody_nelson_ on Flickr
Licensed under Creative Commons

"We should write a book," Mark said. "We can't be the only people who have struggled through all this and I think we have a lot we could offer to other people in sharing our journey."  This was a few years ago, back before I started this little blogging venture, and we were driving home from meeting with an educational advocate who was helping us navigate the tricky world of services for special needs children.

That idea of Mark's — "we should share all this" — stuck with me and was one of the reasons I started this blog: to share those experiences with a larger audience.  Now I share those experiences, but to feel safe, I have to take on a secret identity, like a super hero.  The secret identity lets me share, but it also prevents me from sharing.

I run into situations regularly (I ran into one just today, in fact) in which it would help someone for real life me to share a little bit of blog me with the rest of the world.  Because I've created a place where I feel safe sharing, I've also created this reservoir of writing and online resources and contacts to draw on, but I can't share that with the rest of my life or direct people in my life here for help for fear of outing me.

I was feeling bad today that MPJ was holding me back from sharing all that I should be grateful MPJ has allowed me to have.  I saw MPJ as the rock and the hard place between which I've been trapped, when I'm seeing now that what really traps me is a combination of my own lack of trust or fear of judgment and my drive to personally be the one who helps people, rather than trusting that that help will come.

Whew!  I tell you what, this writing stuff helps.  Go figure.
Posted by at 5:33 AM
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6 comments:

  1. I totally get your desire for anonymity. When I first found myself in the same situation, I blogged it from the rooftops. But as we started to work things out, I wanted less and less to share with the world (for fear they'd judge, I guess). Plus he really doesn't like me sharing his addiction with the world.

    Writing definitely helps.

    And you should write a book. It would be great to have it from both perspectives.

    Much love.
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  2. Do NOT give up your anonymity.
    Most people are nice. But some people (and it only takes one) are mean and nasty and will make your life miserable. They judge and make comments to others...
    Stay anonymous... it's worth it.
    xoxo
    LBC
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  3. If someone's need is great enough they will find this place or another and be helped. Your blog is open and obviously your heart is open to all who stop here, but part of taking care of your self is protecting your self.
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  4. I keep my anonymity and no one in my family reads this blog. It is a sacred place for me to write. If they happen across it, then that's when a re-think will occur. But until then, I remain anonymous.
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  5. Unlurking to say I appreciate your blog, anonymous or not. I blog anonymously as well; I don't know if it's from fear of judgment or what. One step at a time, I guess. Thanks.
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  6. MPJ -- I relate a lot to what you have shared here about the rock and the hard place with me being in the middle. It is clear to me that any book you (with or without Mark) published would be a grand success, and would be helpful to many people. But with success comes the lack of anonymity, and lack of anonymity can lead to lack of a lot of other things -- even if it does line the pocketbook a little more. It's a tough call.

    I want you to know that whether you publish a book or not (which might be very profitable) you (and Mark) are helping people by the droves. I send someone to your site at least twice a month asking them to read things from your perspective and I always hear back great things.
    ReplyDelete

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