Doesn't Work Well with Others

Image credit: Photo by nickwheeleroz on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons

A big red C. There it was, heartbreakingly plastered on the front of the report I had worked for weeks on. I had painstakingly drawn a wombat on the special mottled pastel paper, neatly stenciled the title ("All About Wombats"), and enclosed it, along with the several pages of notebook paper that constituted my report on these marsupials (native to Australia!), in a plastic report cover. Under the C, in tidy teacher's handwriting, were the words: "I would have given this an A, if it were an individual project. I had to lower the grade because you did not work with the rest of your group."

I hadn't. It was true. The other two members of my group did their own report on wombats. I had stopped working with them at some point. I hated group projects. I wanted my group to like me, have fun and yet do things my way, perfectly, so the teacher would give us a good grade. In my secret heart, I knew the "right" way to go about things, but I couldn't boss them, or even imply that I knew anything, because then they wouldn't like me. But I also couldn't stand to see them going at it the "wrong" way. And I didn't want to jump in and help, because I'd end up doing all the work but not getting all the credit. (I mean, if the project succeeded due to my awesomeness, how terrible would it be for me not to get sole credit for it?)

Surprise, surprise! I just couldn't make all that work. My need for control conflicted with my need to people please. My need to please the teacher conflicted with my need to please my peers. My need for perfection conflicted with almost everything. So before my head exploded from the strain, I took the best way out I could see: I did my my own report, perfectly, and hoped the teacher wouldn't notice that whole "working with a group" piece. Of course, it was painfully obvious (and awkward) when my classmates shuffled nervously to the front of the class with me and we gave two separate reports. So, we each got credit for the work we did, not just on the project itself, but on our abysmal failure to work together to create one coherent project instead of two separate ones.

What I learned from that at the time was the very profound lesson: group project suck and I suck at them. From then on, I decided the best thing to do was to avoid group projects when possible. If that wasn't possible, I'd decide whether I'd be better served by silently submitting to the rest of the group or by cutting and running (and suffering the consequences).

Yesterday, I was confronted by a situation in which I may have to work with some neighbors (who totally don't do things right!) for the benefit of a child in our area. And I saw that throwing my hands up and saying "I suck at this!" or "I can't work with them if they're going to do things that way!" or "Fine, whatever, let them do a half-assed job!" is not what is going to benefit the child (although it does have the very real benefit of me not having to change). They want to help the child. I want to help the child. The child will be better served by all of us working together than by each of us stalking away to write our separate reports. So, it's time to use the tools at my disposal (including working the Steps around this) to make sure that this time, things aren't done perfectly or my way or in the way that makes people like me best, but together for the best result.

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This post was originally published at The Second Road.