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| Image credit: Art by georgia.g on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons |
When my son was first born, I actually spent some time doing that thing that we stay-at-home moms supposedly spend our lazy, bon-bon eating days doing: I watched television. Now, I know, folks who haven't actually been stay-at-home parents to a colicky infant -- whose poor little nervous system hated the bright, loud world outside the womb -- have this image of what it means to stay at home and watch TV all day: comfortably clad in pajamas, with feet up and snacks and cool drinks within easy reach, the idle mom flicks through television channels weighing the merits of Oprah vs. Ellen, a rosy baby sleeping peacefully in a bassinet somewhere. So for those folks, let me set you straight right now. That ain't how it goes. And believe me, I wanted that to be how it goes. Why do you think I signed up for this whole Mama gig in the first place?
Those days I spent watching TV have this blurry, disjointed dream quality in my memory. Were there multiple days? Or was it all one long day? I think it's really all a single day, months long, in which I'm never really awake but also never fully asleep...
I doze for an hour here and there and then gaze out at the world through glazed, foggy eyes for a few hours before nodding off again. I'm some weird, ironically life-giving combination of a vampire and those red eyed soldiers in the movies who've been subjected to some experiment that takes away their need to sleep in order to create the perfect killing machine. The curtains are always drawn whether from migraines or because I'm nursing. The baby only consistently stops his piercing screams when I'm nursing, so I'm almost always nursing. Some days I just don't bother to put on a shirt at all; I walk around in huge, industrial nursing bras leaking milk like a giant cow.
When I put him in the bassinet, he screams like he's on fire. I haven't showered in days. I'm too exhausted to get anything to eat or drink, and besides, if I move, the baby will wake up and scream. It's like sitting with a live grenade on my lap. I haven't slept more than two hours at a stretch in weeks, maybe months. The TV is my constant companion, full of adult human voices that distract me without demanding any mental energy. I long for the day when I can stop watching reruns of Law and Order (every last incarnation of it) and what? Grocery shop? Vacuum? Do dishes? It's all a treat. Really.
Now that the kids are older, I rarely watch TV. When they are around and awake, I don't want to watch the kind of awful crime dramas I like to watch. And when they are asleep or off at school, I have, well, all those years of things to do that didn't get done when the kids were smaller. Just the other day I was cleaning out my closet and found half-written thank you notes for baby gifts. My son is eight now, people, and my daughter is five. I'm a little behind. But I would like to live out that fantasy of just kicking back and watching TV. I don't know. Maybe today. While I'm folding laundry. And finishing those thank you notes.
I also watched more TV when the boys were babies and I was home... these days I rent movies and save the viewing time for after I am in bed - weird how our habits change as our life does.
ReplyDeleteOh Good. I was hoping when I saw your title that I would enjoy it for the joke it must be. :) And I did.
ReplyDeleteI don't have kids, but I am an Auntie. An Auntie who took care of my newborn niece when my sister was diagnosed with cancer. (She's fine now, btw) but I remember the total shock I felt after not sleeping, up all night, crying... and she didn't have autism, colic, or anything else.
Those nap times were the frantic scrubdown in the shower for 2 minutes, throw your hair up and tackle the moving piles of laundry.
But I will say, I do remember a lot of Regis & Kelly (she was new!) that summer, so maybe I did have it better than I thought...
If I could, I would watch Oprah!
B
I think that mother's who really parent their kids deserve medals. They are the champions for their children. It isn't easy as you write here.
ReplyDeleteThis post is a great form of birth control! Just kidding :)
ReplyDeleteThe watching TV and eating bon-bons sounds like my typical (child-less)Sunday afternoon. Life is definitely rough for the mommy's out there. But then again, I'm sure getting a big hugs from your little ones make up for that ;-)
I have a little snark in me for you other commenters ... for one - Ellen way over Oprah. And Medals? Give me an hour alone in my home (after you, not me, clean it). Keep the worthless hunk of shiney, I want a break. And I must be in a bad mood (hello PMS, how are you, it's been what, a month? Wow, I missed ya!), because sometimes, I think if I hear, mommy, I need a hug, one more time, I may never stop squeezing.
ReplyDeleteBut there are blogs, lovely blogs like this one, where I can stop by, rest for 5 minutes, feel less crazy and alone, before someone starts crying or spilling or peeing.
They keep telling me .. when the kids go to school, it'll get easier ... so yeah, just another 5 years ... sigh...
Mrs. B. Roth, no more commenting while on PMS! I'll take a medal. I like shiny awards! And Syd's not going to come clean my house anyway. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou know, there are people who say it never gets any easier. They lie. It totally gets easier when the kids are in school. My life is like a bazillion times easier now. You couldn't pay me to have another newborn.
So who is watching Oprah? An alternate universe? Cuz I thought I was the only one sitting out.
ReplyDeleteOh, that is exactly what it's like to have a baby with sensory issues. Back then, I don't think SPD had been coined yet. We called it a "low sensory threshold." Little did I know that that was only the beginning!
ReplyDeleteI knew I was in deep over my head as a SAHM, when I developed a crush on Steve from Blue's Clues. Sheesh. I REALLY did not get out of the house enough.
ReplyDeleteNeither of my girls have sensory issues, but both were like that. A nursing schedule? What's that? I just . . . NURSED.
ReplyDeleteAnd I, too, watched TV in the first year. A lot of TV. With Ellie and her need to stay away from people her first winter (what with the open heart surgery and all that) I just sat on the couch and nursed her about 20 hours a day. I re-watched all of The West Wing and then launched into NYPD Blue, all in reruns and on DVDs, of course. Once Ellen started, I was a big fan of that. She was like a real connection to the world outside my living room. As was Candace Olsen.
I remember my mother-in-law looking askance when I actually started crying about the Tivo deleting a couple of critical episodes of NYPD Blue once and only years later did I realize how crazy it really was.
I never have time for daytime TV anymore, after that first year and a half or whenever they give up the leisurely post-nap nursing session.
So why do I remember those months as being the HARDEST?
Because they are. You wrote it really well.
I'm laughing at the thank you notes. Wonder what would happen if you sent them now? Might be funny. Or not. :)
ReplyDeleteAlso:
ReplyDeleteI sent out some wedding thank you notes more than 5 years late. I just included a little note explaining that I'd found some unmailed notes in a box, apparently moved to our new house by mistake a few months after the wedding. That was untrue, of course. I always meant to get back to the notes at some point . . .
been there done that...however, i have always had to work. :-(
ReplyDeleteIt's been too long, but I'm stopping by to say hello. I love your post here. It's so true, and you write it so well, as always.
ReplyDeleteI am about to have my second baby, so I'm not looking forward to the upcoming months....
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ReplyDelete