Defining Ourselves as Codependents in Recovery

Image credit: Photo by Éole on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons

In a recent business meeting at my COSA group, we gathered to discuss a possible change in our meeting script. The script had been adapted from scripts from other meetings, including meetings for addicts, and contained a portion where we have a moment of silence and prayer for the "addicts" in and out of these rooms. And the question came up, "If we are supposed to be focusing on our own codependency and our own recovery, why is the focus in the script on addicts rather than the friends and family members affected by addiction?" It was interesting problem to consider.

Some people thought we should add "codependents" to the script to keep it clear that we were focusing on our own recovery. Some people thought addicts covered us anyway, since they saw codependency as a form of relationship addiction. Some people didn't consider themselves codependents or addicts, but were in the meetings to heal from the effects of someone else's addiction. Some people preferred the term co-addict, since it addressed both the codependent and addictive aspects of their own issues. The one thing that was clear was that, while we are all working on our own issues, the common bond that holds us together is how we are dealing with those issues as they relate to someone else's sexually compulsive behavior. In the end, the script changed to "addicts and codependents," although that still was not universally satisfactory.

I had a similar issue come up recently on my blog when a reader asked why I bill it as being "married to a sex addict" if I should be focusing on myself and my own recovery. And that's actually something that's occurred to me as well. But I struggle with the same problems of language and identification that my group struggled with when discussing our script. In order for me to accurately describe my problems in a way that will allow me to reach out to others who are struggling through the same things that I am, I have to define myself, in part, by my husband's issues.

If I simply say that I'm codependent, I don't provide enough information to help people who are struggling specifically with issues related to their relationship with a sex addict. In fact, if I define myself as codependent, a lot of people who are new to (or completely unfamiliar with) recovery won't have any idea what that means. However, if I define myself through my husband's problems, it puts the focus on his addiction in a way that seems, well, actively codependent. In recovery from codependency, we're stuck in a bit of a circular trap: we try to move away from using other people to define us, but because the problem is that we have used other people to define us, in some way other people will always be part of the definition of our problem. In the end, I've left my tag line as is, because it's brief, descriptive, clear and accurate. I am married to a sex addict, and it is that relationship that informs my own recovery.

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This post originally published at The Second Road.