Control Freaking

Image credit: Photo by h4cks on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons

I've got plans for tomorrow that are going to keep me away from the computer, and I knew I wanted to squeeze in one last blog post today. So first thing in the morning I began the day right: by panicking because I wasn't sure what I was going to write about. I didn't have an idea! Ack! What if I sat down and couldn't think of anything? Well, you can see (tongue firmly planted in cheek here) how very catastrophic that would be. There I was with the threat of writer's block looming in front of me ominously (and let me tell you, it really knows how to loom: casting a long shadow with its big claws and pointy teeth), when I remembered something I once heard from the very wise Karen Maezen Miller: that the answer will always be there when we need it; we just have to learn to trust that. I see it as a variation on my favorite recovery slogan (and the one I most often need to remember): Let go and let God.

So, given that I had no idea what to write about and I was supposed to trust this (grr, stupid!) process, I decided not sit down at my usual writing time and I went out and ran errands instead. And as I ran errands, I got this weird throbbing headache. Now, I'm an old hand at headaches. I'm prone to both migraines and sinus headaches, so I'm no stranger to pain in my head. But that pain is old and familiar. This pain was new and different. I'd be walking along, feeling ok and then throb throb! Pain just above my left ear for a few seconds. Then nothing for a few minutes. Then throb throb again.

Given the great mental state in which I started the day, my mind went immediately to the next reasonable thought: I'm going to die. I mean, this could be the first sign of an aneurysm or a stroke. After all, I once had a coworker, a mother to young children, who was perfectly fine one moment, complained of a headache a few minutes later, then walked into a meeting and collapsed, dead of a brain aneurysm. It's the kind of thing that is both horribly tragic and completely terrifying. So I walked around thinking, "Could these throbs be the early warning sign of the same thing in me? Could I do something different right now and change things... control the outcome?"

But I caught myself right there: wanting to control the things I can't. I was feeling nervous and anxious about a whole host of things and had fallen down lately on taking care of myself. So for the second time today I was, in a major way, not letting go and trusting things to work out, but instead trying to figure out a way to approach my discomfort that was going to guarantee the outcome I wanted. So I realized that I had a headache. It wasn't particularly bad or painful, just unfamiliar. It wasn't worth consulting a doctor, because right at that moment, I had to admit, it didn't seem at all serious. The next right thing to do was to wait. If it got more alarming, I'd see a doctor. And maybe, as for my coworker, that moment would be too late. But I can't control that.

As I realized this, I began to relax, and as I relaxed, the little throbs subsided and I realized I had something to write about today too. Well, what do you know? The answer really is there when I need it, if I can just let go of my control freaking and trust that.

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This post was originally published at The Second Road.