What Can I Do to Help?

Image credit: Photo by Cayusa on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons

Last week, in my guest post for Lisa Belkin's New York Times blog Motherlode, I wrote about some of the challenges a trip to the grocery store can present for my son Austen. Since then a number of people have very kindly commented or e-mailed asking, "If I see a parent and child in a situation like this, what can I do to help?"

It reminds me of an interview question I had when I was applying for a college scholarship: "You've written a passionate and moving essay about the environmental impact of suburban development.  It really opened my eyes to some of the issues facing our area.  Now, when you have a college education, what do you plan to do to address this issue?" "Um," I stammered, "Exactly what I have done: write about it."  The interviewer frowned, "But what are you going to do?"  "I wrote about it," I responded, "and you're thinking about it in a different way now. That is doing something.  There are other people better equipped than I am to handle the specific details of this complex problem, but they can't work on it if they aren't aware of it." (I didn't get the scholarship. Ironically, it was from a newspaper.)

I shared my story to elicit compassion and understanding, to let a world that feels annoyed at my child and me know that we're doing the very best we can at any given moment, to let parents like me know they're not alone in feeling judged or anxious or overwhelmed, to remind myself to open my own heart and stop feeling the useless, hurtful anger that goes with my judgmentalness. (I just want world peace. Is that so much to ask? Really?) So, to me, the fact that people are asking the question -- that there's an impulse to be generous, that hearts and eyes and minds are open -- tells me that we're already doing what's important.

And I know. This is where (as in my interview) I supposed to swoop in with my helpful list of practical tips to ensure a happy outcome.  But situations are complex, people are complex and we all have our individual strengths and weaknesses.  When I'm on the other end, watching another parent struggle, I trust my heart and wing it (just like parenting), and I handle different situations (and different people) differently. I don't have any answers that you all don't already have. And I can't tell any of you how to handle a situation you're going to encounter better than you yourself will know how to handle it when you get there.  What I know is that if you're asking, "What can you do to help?" you really are already doing all you need to.  It may not feel like enough to you, but to me, it feels like everything.