Not Such a Good Neigh Bear®

Image credit: Photo by thescotty on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons

Like all good, slightly overprotective, digitally inclined parents, I subscribed to the Consumer Product Safety Commission's free e-mail news bulletins when my first child was born. Each day I would vigilantly checked my e-mail (I'm such a good mom), ready to whisk dangerous products out of my children's hands at a moment's notice.

Today I received a product warning that caught my eye not because it applied to us, but because it was laced with irony (in addition to dangers). State Farm Insurance is recalling their Good Neigh Bears®: teddy bears wearing State Farm t-shirts and named for the company's slogan, "like a good neighbor, State Farm is there." Apparently the eyes can detach from the bear and present a choking hazard. I'm not sure what message State Farm was trying to send by handing out deadly teddy bears. Maybe it was "See, don't you wish you had insurance now?" After my own experiences, both with liars and insurance companies, I tend to think it's, "Expect us to be the kind of neighbor that seems nice, until the day a reporter knocks on your door wanting to interview you about whether or not you expected us to go on a killing rampage."

This got me to thinking that, since there are people out there who are both more trusting of teddy bears (and people in general) than I am, it might be useful to share some of the safety tips I've synthesized from eight years of reading recall notices:

1. Never, ever let children eat magnets. In fact, never let children get near magnets they might be tempted to eat. Eating magnets does awful death-inducing things to one's insides. Magnets are bad and scary.


2. Never, ever buy jewelry from gum ball machines or dollar stores, especially not if you intend to let your children snack on it. The stuff that isn't made of lead is probably made from metal recycled from nuclear test sites.


3. Never, ever let your child wear hooded sweatshirts with drawstrings. (Given how many times those things are recalled for strangulation hazards, I'm surprised that drawstring hoods haven't been outlawed. And I have to admit, there's just not much to drawstrings, so I'm puzzled as to what makes one potentially fatal while others remain perfectly safe.)


4. Toys in the mouth are a bad idea in general. Small parts (especially -- and State Farm you really should have consulted me here, because I knew this -- the eyes and noses of stuffed animals) can dislodge and create choking hazards. And since the Thomas train lead paint fiasco, lead is this year's hottest hazard. Don't ingest lead. It is bad for you and it tastes nasty. Not that I would know.


5. Never let your child play or sleep in or around any large object unless a competent adult is awake and watching them. Everything from fingers to necks can be pinched in anything with hinges. Heads (and other body parts) can get stuck in anything with slats. And anything that can be erected can collapse. I recommend putting baby to bed on a wood floor in an empty room, entirely devoid of furnishings, wall hangings, doors or windows. Enter the room through the ceiling, carefully.

That said, other than the magnet thing (the CPSC and a well timed episode of House really will creep you out about magnets) I have to admit, I gave up on most of these rules by the time my son was a year old. He was out of his CPSC recommended crib within weeks of his birth and as time went on, I strayed further and further from the seemingly "safe" and age appropriate toys. One day, when he was about nine months old, I found myself out standing in line somewhere, so desperate to entertain and soothe him that I let him chew on my (definitely not CPSC endorsed) car remote until it popped open (who knew!), exposing the battery and chip inside. (Watch batteries? Yep, those would be both choking hazards and toxic.) At least it didn't pretend to be a Good Neigh Bear®.