Seriously, Kids, This Is Why You Should Study Grammar

Image credit: Photo by Jez D on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons

Many years ago, I had an argument with my ex-boyfriend about grammar.

"You know, between you and I..." he said.

"You and me," I corrected.

He refused to believe me. So, we bandied about words like "preposition," "subject," and "object" before consulting Strunk and White. In the end, I was right (of course).

"Fine. Well, it just sounds better the way I say it," he said.

"It never sounds better to use improper grammar," I replied, which was an even more awful and snotty thing to say than it had been to correct him in the first place. And it's not even strictly true. English grammar is incredibly complicated and often arcane; it's all too easy to make mistakes, whether from confusion or ignorance or carelessness or just the need to pass for someone who is not an uptight grammar snob. And of course the English language isn't static, but alive and evolving; the rules change to keep pace with it, resulting in a constant tension between grammar conservatives and grammar progressives.

That complexity is the very reason that any professionally run organization or business will employ people to write and proofread their communications. The back of your cereal box alone has passed before the eyes of more people than most folks would ever imagine before it is ever printed.

In recent years, I've consciously loosened up on my grammar and stopped correcting other people (unless I'm paid to do it). For one thing, I've met people who are bigger grammar nerds than I am, who've corrected the minutiae of my speech and writing, and (between you and me) they're just unbearable to be around.* And then, about ten years ago, I was called out by another writer for being too uptight about prepositional phrases. She called me (I believe) "a fussy old man" and pulled out The Chicago Manual of Style to back her up. Slam!

However, I realized just yesterday, as I was checking my e-mail, how important grammar is for things other than making people feel bad and giving grammar nerds something to argue about. (See, how casual I was there about ending my sentence with a preposition? I'm totally over that fussy old man love affair with the prepositional phrase. Totally.) As elitist or boring or just plain snotty sounding as grammar may seem, it is still the key to the castle. A key that scam artists don't hold, but I do.

Yesterday, I received a message (supposedly from Google) stating that my Gmail account would be deleted unless I supplied them with certain personal information, such as my password and birth date. The message might have been alarming if it hadn't contained so many grammatical errors (in addition to its blatant request for information that Google shouldn't need to keep my account open). The errors showed me that the e-mail was not coming from a major US corporation, with their teams of professional writers; it was coming from one or two individuals with poor grammar and no proofreading help.

So, to all you kids out there, if you are considering a career as a professional con artist, remember to stay in school and pay attention in English class. One misplaced comma could mean the difference between buying your own private island and winding up on Riker's Island. And if you are aspiring to be an honest, hardworking citizen whose life savings will contribute to your own comfortable retirement, rather than that of a seasoned scam artist, please study your grammar. After all, even if it doesn't ever help you uncover a scam, it can still help you win arguments with your significant other, although you may sound a little unbearable doing it.

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*Note to the humor impaired: insert winky smiley face here.