Getting Honest about Blogging

Margaux at Love in the Time of Addiction tagged me with this award/meme by virtue of my (say this in a Wizard of Oz voice, please) scrupulous and honest honesty. I'm supposed to share 10 honest things about myself and then tag 7 others. I usually do these kinds of things in haiku, but I decided to try going old school on this one and use prose.

1. Whenever I see an award or meme post on someone else's blog, I immediately scroll down to see if I was tagged.


2. If I wasn't tagged, I think "Oh no! What did I do wrong? Ok, calm down, maybe they just know I said I didn't want to do the whole awards thing anymore. No, I said that a long time ago when no one read my blog. I bet they didn't tag me because they don't like me. I bet I haven't been commenting enough, maybe they don't know I love them. No, maybe it was that last joke I told. I didn't mean to be offensive, but I think I go too far sometimes for a laugh and sometimes people just don't get that I'm not being serious. No, I bet it's because I come across as a goody two shoes, just like in junior high. I'm too nerdy and uptight and no one wants to be my friend. Oh, it's probably because I didn't acknowledge that last award right. Damn. Whatever. Fine, I hate awards."


3. If I was tagged for a meme, I think, "Yay! I'm loved and I have something to do on Haiku Friday!" If I was tagged with an award, I think, "Yay! I'm loved. But I don't want to deal with awards anymore. Now what do I do? If I don't post this I'm going to hurt and offend the person who gave it to me. But if I do I have to decide who to pass it to and put someone else through this. I hate awards. No, don't think that! You'll never get an award again, and it will prove no one loves you. Shh! I love awards. I'm grateful for them. Please love me!"


4. I get a little queasy whenever I check my inbox for comments, wondering if they are going to be critical or hurtful. They almost never are, but I still expect more criticism and less love and support than I get. I'm realizing that's odd, because I really believe in the deep down goodness and love inside everyone, yet I don't entirely have my expectations set that way. Hmm...


5. I've almost entirely stopped looking at my blog stats, because fun as it is to see the weird searches that bring people here, I get all self-conscious about who is looking at me and why and from where. I like to pretend that no one's looking when I write. I'm just here whistling and wearing a bag over my head as I casually get undressed in front of a window that opens onto a busy street. Shh! I'm an ostrich. No one can see me if I can't see them!


6. I had to look at my feed subscriber stats a little as I was moving the blog over here, and it made me anxious. I didn't like seeing how many subscribers I lost in the move. It made me worry that I wasn't working hard enough and doing well enough and that I had hurt or bored or offended people. I had to smack myself upside the head and remind myself that people are not numbers. How many holiday cards I get the year after I move to a new house is not an indication of how rich the relationships in my life are. And I had to remind myself that (gasp!) not everyone is going to like me, and that's ok.


7. All of the above is why blogging has been such a wonderful way for me to work through my personal issues. It forces me, every day, to confront my character defects and learn to deal with my own perfectionism, competitiveness and people pleasing, as well as my fears of rejection and criticism.


8. Because writing brings me closer to my God and because I'm sharing these posts (my virtual communion with God) with so many loving and supportive people, my relationship with my Higher Power has grown tremendously in the last year. I can see my God shining in all of you, helping me learn and grow. And when I feel that connection, everything else about memes and stats and awards and anxiety slips away.


9. I worry that this was all a little too honest.


10. I worry that, in having fun with some of my answers, this all was not honest enough.

I find tagging people, as you know, to be extremely sucky. I haven't decided yet whether or not I'm going to tag, but if I do, I'll do it in haiku form on Friday!