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Thursday, December 4, 2008

Climbing the Last Few Steps

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Guille. on Flickr
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I have had some mixed feelings recently around the 12 Step work I've been doing. I'm on Step 10 now, and I'm exhausted. And this is not the good kind of exhausted. It's not the "I've just had a great workout and I'm really tired and achy but I know I did something great for my body" kind. It's more the "I just stayed up all night fueled by Coke and Oreos to finish a my midterm paper" kind.

Maybe I'm growing and learning, but I sure feel cranky and icky right now. I'm torn between wanting to quit and take a very long nap and wanting to power through and get it over with, neither of which is a great spiritual place to be.

I was sharing these feelings with my husband last weekend and saying I really didn't know how I felt about the work I'd been doing. I don't know if I wanted to go through this process of working the Steps again. And I don't know if this is something that is working and is right for me personally in my own recovery.

"Do you want my perspective?" Mark asked.

"Sure," I said.

"Well, I feel so much more intimately connected to you since you've been working the Steps. I feel like it's been really great for our relationship, that it's brought us closer."

Oh. Well, if he puts it that way. Be still my little codependent heart! I guess maybe working the Steps isn't such a bad thing after all. Can someone pass the Coke and Oreos? I've got two more Steps to go.

This post was originally published at
The Second Road to read the rest.
Posted by at 7:57 AM
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2 comments:

  1. When I first worked the steps I was miserable pretty much during all 12. I think for me it was the first time I really looked at me as an active participant in my own life. The next time around I saw different areas where I had grown or changed and it wasn't such a bad feeling. This time working them online with a group made me uncomfortable at first. I soon learned to just be me and it hasn't been too bad. I can honestly say everytime I have worked the steps it has gotten easier and better because I got rid of things along the way or saw them differently. Don't give up on us now, for me it has become a new way of life. One I wouldn't change if I could.
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  2. Talk about confirmation! What a great thing to have your husband say to you.

    Hey, wonder if us codies get the same ugly withdrawal symptoms as the addict when we change deep seated beliefs and behaviors? It would be insightful for us in understanding why in the world they would struggle with wanting to avoid change.

    food for thought.
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